


Unlikely Pairing

by Nexev



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff, crackship, nothing is sad, silly fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-18
Updated: 2012-04-18
Packaged: 2017-11-03 20:49:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/385790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nexev/pseuds/Nexev
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya longs for love, with the help of a shameless self insert, a 8LUH 8LUH HUGE 8ITCH, and the power of sweet sweet crack pairing, can she nail that hot sweaty ass?</p>
<p>Yes, yes she can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unlikely Pairing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Inky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inky/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Unlikely Pairing](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/8239) by Inky. 



> Inkys I hope you enjoy this, it was fun to make but uploading stories sure is scary work.
> 
> This story, and thus the title are based on this song:
> 
> http://inkys.tumblr.com/post/19278882543/the-unlikely-pairing-breaking-free-cover
> 
> The premise of the song, and thus the fic, is fuck your ships I don't need logic to love.
> 
> Or something about high schools, wasn't paying much attention.

**Kanaya === > Be the lesbian**

 

Among the alternian race there are few who can withstand the rays of it’s sun. Those who can are graced with the ability to be awake for both the night and the day cycles. A very useful ability if one had any pressing deadlines to meet. Unfortunately every gift has it’s downside, in Kanaya Mayram’s case, she was stuck with a ungodly amount of free time.

 

Which suited her just fine, more time meant more dresses. As she begin to work on her newest design, her brow furrowed in concentration (she would like to say daintily but she had to be honest, there is no way to daintily furrow anything) her mind began to wander.  Well wander was putting it rather nicely, a more accurate statement was that her mind grew feet and ran off to more appealing thoughts then threading a needle.  Unfortunately for Kanaya (but VERY fortunate for her mind) that thought was the only thing that could ever be more appealing then dresses was her moirails choice HUNK RU- mental insecurity. You were thinking about how much you platonically pity her for how insecure she is.

 

Yup.

 

She puts on this huge bravado, pretends she is this perfect troll who is never troubled by anything but you know better. She’s scared for herself and scared OF herself, she is afraid she will both wind up all alone and that she DESERVES to be alone. In your opinion she needs a hug, a hug you would be very happy to give her.

 

God do you want to embrace her… platonically of course.

 

**Wait isn’t this supposed to be about Equius and Kanaya = >**

_  
_

_You know what you are right.  Hold on let me engage in my Author mode._

_  
_

_Computer online? Check._

_  
_

_Writer’s block? Smashed with a Warhammer of Cillyfoo (the authentic replica!)_

_  
_

_A barely restrained desire to kill all the characters? Look out Tavros._

_  
_

_We are good to go._

_  
_

_You are Nexev._

_  
_

_You have many hobbies one of which involves WRITING REALLY CRAPPY FICTION I MEAN YOU ALREADY WENT FROM THRID TO SECOND PERSON WHAT KINDA SHI-_

_  
_

_Wait fuck this intro let’s mess up people’s lives._

_  
_

_As with every budding author you have dedicated a entire room of your house to shipping. Made from premium 100% stolen-from-a-autistic-cat-girl-when-she-wasn’t-looking fibers. Now all you need to do is check all the big ships and see what you have to work with._

_  
_

_…WHO THE FUCK SHIPS VRISKA AND KANAYA?_

_  
_

_Okay you did a few paragraphs ago but that is so BESIDES THE POINT right now, that was last paragraphs ship, all the cool cats ship Vriska X Hussie now._

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_You go get your paint, you can fix this._

_  
_

_Okay lets sink this, this ship needs a bit more gay, who even ships a cat and a horse anyway, everyone knows John only loves his daddy._

_  
_

_Perfect, now absolutely nobody is happy. Oh wait a minute it’s just a fucking wall with paint on it that didn’t do shit. You will need to get all magical and shit here. It’s time to go THIRD PERSON._

_  
_

_Okay fuck yes, now I EXAMPLIFY the unreliable narrator trope. I am about as reliable as BP is with drilling._

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_Oooooh that fucking BURNS don’t it?_

_  
_

_You know what also burns? Fire, fire like the hot fiery passion that emits from my heart; a passion strong enough to SCRATCH A SESSION. Now I just need to get a Beat Mesa. Hold on let me check ebay…. Wow giant reality alterer’s are pricy._

_  
_

_Fuck it, I will just torrent it._

 

**Be the Beat Mesa == >**

 

You are now the beat mesa file, currently some weirdo in flannel is downloading you.

 

If you were sentinent you could have warned him, you could have told this bro about the scratches. Like all giant records turned into sound files you are a physical representation of reality, as you change so does reality, a scratch on your physical  body can rewrite reality. Likewise the act of illegally downloading you rather then spending the goddamn $1 buck it cost on iTunes alters you as well as reality.

 

You should have warned him, but you could not speak, you were helpless against his brazen stupidity.

 

So you couldn’t have told him dawg, couldn’t have warned him about RIPS.

 

And then it started happening.

 

**Be Nexev === >**

 

_SWEET LADY LIQUOR IS REALITY ALTERING AGAIN? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?_

_  
_

_IT’S LIKE ALTERNATE REALITY IS THE STAIRS TO THE INSUFFERABLE PRICK THAT IS YOUR LIFE._

 

**Let’s be Kanaya some more === >**

 

If Kanaya Mayram could read commands this would confuse her, when has she ever been something other then herself?

 

Kanaya shook her head, trying to clear the most peculiar thoughts that were running through her head, why was she all flustered over Equius’s moirail? Vriska was a fine woman, she knew that but Vriska was already in Feferi’s red quadrant. It would be unimaginably rude to try to separate the Shade Sisters not to mention impossible, she had just as much chance of successfully stopping true love as she did of somehow becoming a lesbian.

 

Which is a pointless analogy she realized, after all, what does lesbian even mean?

 

The chime of trollian on her lunchtop interrupted her line of thought.

 

She sacrificed her project to the mysterious tides of common courtesy, her eyebrow arching as she read who was contacting her.

 

Well, speak of the Green Man.

 

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling** **grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

AG: Kanayaaaaaaaa hurry up I have something impor8nt to tell you!!!!!!!!

AG: Kanaya 8re you even there????????

AG: Geeze sure rude to keep a lady waiting, and people say I am 8ad.

AG: Kanayaaaaaaa hurry uuuuuuup!!!!!!!!

GA: Vriska You Do Not Have To Continue Overloading My Message Box

GA: I Am Now Here You Can Tell Me What Important Thing You Have To Say

GA: I Must Say This Is Rather Sudden

GA: Forgive Me But I Do Not Believe We Have Ever Really Talked

AG: Fin8llly!!!!!!! Geeze you fussy people like keeping me w8ting.

AG: And Kanaya, I have so many irons I couldn’t even try to tell you all my plans.

AG: 8ut since I am 8ascically the 8est person I suppose I can give you a hint. ;;;;D

AG: You’re going to have a gueeeeeeeest, don’t 8e too gentle on him.

AG: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

GA: Wait What

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling** **grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

 

A large crash echoed throughout the hive, seeming to come from the garden given the accompanying death rattle of a innocent petaltreee. Kanaya closed her lunchtop, whatever vague nonsense Vriska was spouting can wait. Only a terrible host would leave a mysterious unknown guest unattended and Kanaya was raised better than that. Withdrawing her lipstick for good measure, Kanaya headed to the garden.

 

Kanaya’s hands flew to her mouth at the sight of her visitor, her lipstick falling to the ground, momentarily forgotten. Thin silken ebony threads framed a chiseled sculpture of a face, dark cracked lenses reflected a endless void of seemingly infinite possibilities. “If a thousand angles could fit on the head of a pin,” Kanaya mused to herself “Could it not also be true that every moment of beauty in the universe can be reflected in a stranger’s fractured sunglasses?”

 

The stranger moved, his large muscles rippling with the exertion as he rose. Kanaya, suddenly embarrassed about her staring, leapt behind a nearby shrub to hide. He surveyed his surroundings calmly, his thoughts a mystery to all but himself.

 

“The surrounding area e%hibits no signs of a attack.” The troll’s voice was deep, as if the earth itself was speaking through those thin slender lips. “It appears Vriska lied to me. I should not have e%pected otherwise.” The troll looked down, noticing the wreckage of the tree he landed on. “Oh my… to destroy a stranger’s property is so… depraved of me.” Sweat glistened on his scalp as his face contorted to one of abject horror. “I… I require a towel, why did I not bring a towel?”

 

Mustering up more courage then she thought she had, Kanaya stepped away from the shrub. “Excuse Me But I Have Some Towels At My Hive If You Require One”

 

What followed could only be described as one of the awkwardest silences in Paradox Space as the stranger stared at Kanaya, his gaze seeming to penetrate every fiber of Kanaya’s being. Finally he broke the silence. “I’m sorry, I was… momentarily distracted. I w00ld like to take you up on your offer. My name is Equius.” Kanaya blinked, how did Vriska, even platonically, manage to land such choice abs like Equius’s? Nevertheless, etiquette before enquirement. “The Pleasure Is All Mine Rest Assured My Name Is Kanaya” A bit stiffer then she would like, confound these nerves, Kanaya turned away from the dreamboat and lead him towards her hive.

 

A few minutes later dark indigo stained the white of one of Kanaya’s favorite towels. “Ah I needed this with such… e%cruciatingly desire… despite you’re status I can not help but feel in your debt Jad… Kanaya.” Equius almost moaned as he rubbed his face with the towel. Kanaya shrugged, choosing to ignore the hemoist remark. “I Assure You That You Owe Me Nothing” Kanaya said, picking up her needle in order to resume the dress she was working on. “It Would Have Been Rather Impolite To Deny A Guest Something As Simple As A Way To Remove Excess Moisture” Equius sighed “Still the fact remains that I have invaded your residence and destroyed your f00liadge. I assure you I only acted because Vriska led me to believe you were in e%treme peril. I will e%change words with her for her dishonesty.” Kanaya raised her eyebrow, so this was the guest Vriska mentioned? Kanaya made a mental note to give Vriska a free dress before resuming her stitching. The outfit was a simple gown, sleek like obsidian and with a color to match. It was one that said you were a professional and yet something was still missing…

 

“E%cuse me but I can’t help but believe that the design would be improved if you remove the sleeves and instead add a pair of sleeve g100ves to substitute.” Kanaya barely stifled a shriek as she turned around.

 

Equius was right behind her, regarding the dress in a matter that could almost be regarded as fond.

 

HOW DID HE MOVE THAT QUIETLY?

 

“I ap001ogize for startling you… I was just admiring your design, I myself admire the aesthetic appeal that of art.” Equius says in response to your shock.

 

“No No It Is Quite Alright I Think You Have Something With That Suggestion” Kanaya said after calming down. “Would You Like Some Tea” Kanaya said hesitantly, a blush beginning to tinge her face.

 

Indigo colored Equius’s face as well. “Tea would be 100vely. However…” Equius started to lean closer, Kanaya could smell the mangrit off his perspiration. “I wish to… e%perience something other than your food at the present moment.” And then… wait for it.

 

**SLOPPY MAKEOUTS!!**

 

**-MEANWHILE-**

AG: Theeeeeeeere I got my moirail to go to that weird girl’s house.

AG: Are you sure a8out them????????

[Vriska please, there is very few things not sure to me.]

[They should be presently consummating their mutual attraction.]

[Haa Haa]

AG: Uuuuuuuugh I did n8t w8nt t8 im8gine that.

[You are jumping to conclusions.]

[They are merely announcing their affections to one another.]

[Not everyone is as forward as your Ancestor.]

AG: Woooooooow, just had to win the douche8ag award didn’t you?

[Hee Hee]

[I missed these talks, we should have them more often.]

[Fortunately I already know that we do so.]

AG: Whateveeeeeeeer, that is so not the point right now.

AG: Who else are we going to get together?

[You remember Nepeta. This is not a question, it is a statement.]

[She was and still is invaluable in our endeavor, such loyalty deserves recompense.]

[Terezi is a fun loving girl, she will suit her well.]

AG: The cackling 8itch???????? Ugh are you enjoying making me talk to all the creepy people?

[Hoo Hoo]

[I assure you the match is sound, Nepeta has written it on her wall and I have ran the equation myself.]

[It is, as expected of both of us, infallible. A Seer of Heart’s power is almost frightening in it’s accuracy.]

[That is, was my own accuracy not equally flawless.]

AG: Yeah what gives a8out that, you told me she was a rouge 8efore?

[Simple, the universe changed as a failsafe.]

[Some unknown prescence interfered with reality and reality sought to alter it’s path in order to work around this interference.]

[You will find the changes in your class to be only the smallest difference, that is, if you looked.]

[But you won’t because you are happy. You do not like to imagine that the ‘real reality’ involves your misery.]

[Haa Haa]

AG: 8luh to you, 8luh to you and your white dickery.

[What has your moirail said about language?]

AG: Ugh fine, white jerkhood, haaaaaaaappy?

[Immensely.]

AG: Why are you even doing this?

[Beg pardon?]

AG: Helping us, if you are so gr8 why waste your time with a few troll’s romance issues.

[Easy question, I am quite the trickster you see.]

[The universe must follow a certain path in order for the game to be completed successfully, any deviation causes the doom of everyone.]

[Reality is cruel, mercilessly so.]

[But I found a trick, something that despite my omniscience took many millennium to realize.]

[The universe must follow a certain path, but only on certain things, so long as X happened you can get away with altering Y a little.]

[I have already contacted my employer to help with the more showy part, for now I proceed with making sure everything follows smoothly.]

[Because this is all part of the plan, Vriska.]

[I am going to give everyone a happy ending.]

[And the universe is helpless to stop me.]

[Haa Haa]

[Hee Hee]

[Hoo Hoo]

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, if you read this thank you very much, please leave a comment to help me improve. I am not good at formatting here which is why there is no color.
> 
> I used brackets in the last log to signify that the person in question is communicating with Doc Scratch? Did he seem OOCly nice? That is what happens when you RIP what you should Scratch.
> 
> This all comes from a AU concept I created while making this fic (I find it humorous that in order to make kanaya not gay I had to alter the universe), this timeline is signifigantly altered thanks to it changing peoples opinion of the other characters.
> 
> This in fundamental nature was the only thing that changed, the titles were swapped by the game to match the changes in personallity that happened from the characters altered social interactions.
> 
> Vriska is much nicer because Feferi is a much stronger influence on her then she was on Kanaya for example. And Scratch and English's relationship with the characters becomes more of a fondness then a pure belief in their status as pawns, making English more like his problem sleuth equvalent and Scratch a less evil Loki.
> 
> Changing peoples prefences like I did with kanaya's sexuallity is probbably stretching it but eh you can't overthink this.
> 
> Also a big thing was that none of the relationships in this universe are canon, I tried to use some logic but I didn't push the envelope, if I really wanted to make this a universe of all my ships then I would have Kanaya being a fussy older sister thing to Nepeta...
> 
> WAIT THAT WAS CRACK TO WHY DIDNT I DO THAT ARRRGGGGH!
> 
> :C
> 
> Anyway this universe can be expanded on and I am willing to buuuut I don't want to make any more fics that people don't like so I will leave the decision to you. If you are interested in seeing more Ripped Stories and what they should be about leave a comment.


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